testing........
This is a test..........
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:12 AM
1 comments
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Thursday, August 10, 2006
THE DUMBEST GODDAMNED THING I EVER HEARD OF....
Okay, now we can't bring a lot of things with us on planes....not only in your carry-on, but on your person.......
nothing liquid or gooey.....no shampoo, lipstick, lotion, beverages, toothpaste, shaving cream, hair gel, Preparation H, chapstick, antiseptic cremes, liquid soap, mascara, KY Jelly, or C-4.......
nothing electronic.....no cell phones, Blackberries, PDA's, laptops, vibrators......
All this shit has to be stored with your checked baggage.........in fact, if you're going to the UK, you can't even have any kind of carry-on.....so much for all the travel pundits who tell you to travel light....nothing but carry-on......
Talk about being brain-dead....these regulations could only have been made by government employees....probably appointed by a brain-dead administration, as well....
Think about it.....whaddya gain by storin' all that shit in the baggage hold?
IF ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS ACTUALLY A BOMB, AND IF IT GOES OFF IN THE BAGGAGE HOLD RATHER THAN THE PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, I GUARANTEE....GUARANTEE, MIND YOU, THAT EITHER WAY, YOU'RE GONNA BE BUYIN' THE FARM......PUSHIN' UP POSIES.....KISSIN' TERRA FIRMA.....
CHRISSAKES!!!!! Mental midgets........
nothing liquid or gooey.....no shampoo, lipstick, lotion, beverages, toothpaste, shaving cream, hair gel, Preparation H, chapstick, antiseptic cremes, liquid soap, mascara, KY Jelly, or C-4.......
nothing electronic.....no cell phones, Blackberries, PDA's, laptops, vibrators......
All this shit has to be stored with your checked baggage.........in fact, if you're going to the UK, you can't even have any kind of carry-on.....so much for all the travel pundits who tell you to travel light....nothing but carry-on......
Talk about being brain-dead....these regulations could only have been made by government employees....probably appointed by a brain-dead administration, as well....
Think about it.....whaddya gain by storin' all that shit in the baggage hold?
IF ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS ACTUALLY A BOMB, AND IF IT GOES OFF IN THE BAGGAGE HOLD RATHER THAN THE PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, I GUARANTEE....GUARANTEE, MIND YOU, THAT EITHER WAY, YOU'RE GONNA BE BUYIN' THE FARM......PUSHIN' UP POSIES.....KISSIN' TERRA FIRMA.....
CHRISSAKES!!!!! Mental midgets........
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:49 PM
2 comments
Saturday, July 15, 2006
BLACK COMEDY
I just started reading a theatrical review that started out " 'Such and Such' is a black comedy......"
And I stopped there.....
Never finished reading the review.........
Figured it had to be referring to either "Arsenic & Old Lace" or "The Dave Chapelle Show"......
In either case, a piece of dialogue like "I'm gonna cap yo' ass!" would be appropriate.......
Amazing how much old white women and young black men have in common........
And I stopped there.....
Never finished reading the review.........
Figured it had to be referring to either "Arsenic & Old Lace" or "The Dave Chapelle Show"......
In either case, a piece of dialogue like "I'm gonna cap yo' ass!" would be appropriate.......
Amazing how much old white women and young black men have in common........
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 10:56 PM
1 comments
Friday, June 30, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
NUCLEAR ACCIDENT? NO PROB....PROTECT YOURSELF FOR LESS THAN A BUCK
According to this article in today's Minneapolis StarTribune, the State of Minnesota is one of 21 states (the other 29 must be on a different intellectual plane) to accept free potassium iodide from the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission, to be distributed to everyone within a 10-mile radius of our 2 nuclear power plants.......
2 doses per person.......in the event of a nuclear accident, this shit is supposed to help......something about the thyroid.....whatever.......
Hell, I just did a Google on potassium iodide.......the first result that crops up is an outfit that sells potassium iodide........14 doses for $6.95......that's less than 50 cents per dose......130 milligrams maximum daily recommended allowance........
Well, a 10-mile radius of each of those plants encompasses maybe 100,000 folks each.....
So, the pikers in the government have graciously allowed the entire state a total of $198,571 in the event of a nuclear accident.....less than a dollar per person in the affected areas......
Shit, you couldn't even buy 3 FEMA hurricane trailers for that kinda dough.....(retail, of course.....FEMA probably pays twice that through their civilian outsourcing).......
Hell, the last time I looked, you can't even get a fuckin' flu shot (one time only) for less than $25..........
So let's think about this.......
If you can protect yourself against nuclear exposure for less than a dollar, as the NRC appears to be promoting, why the hell are we worried about it?
Why can't we protect ourselves from the fuckin' flu for less than a dollar?
Less than $200,000 spent in a cheap Republican PR ploy to placate a state with a population of more than 4 1/2 million, with a Republican State Administration trumpeting its value?
PRICELESS!!
2 doses per person.......in the event of a nuclear accident, this shit is supposed to help......something about the thyroid.....whatever.......
Hell, I just did a Google on potassium iodide.......the first result that crops up is an outfit that sells potassium iodide........14 doses for $6.95......that's less than 50 cents per dose......130 milligrams maximum daily recommended allowance........
Well, a 10-mile radius of each of those plants encompasses maybe 100,000 folks each.....
So, the pikers in the government have graciously allowed the entire state a total of $198,571 in the event of a nuclear accident.....less than a dollar per person in the affected areas......
Shit, you couldn't even buy 3 FEMA hurricane trailers for that kinda dough.....(retail, of course.....FEMA probably pays twice that through their civilian outsourcing).......
Hell, the last time I looked, you can't even get a fuckin' flu shot (one time only) for less than $25..........
So let's think about this.......
If you can protect yourself against nuclear exposure for less than a dollar, as the NRC appears to be promoting, why the hell are we worried about it?
Why can't we protect ourselves from the fuckin' flu for less than a dollar?
Less than $200,000 spent in a cheap Republican PR ploy to placate a state with a population of more than 4 1/2 million, with a Republican State Administration trumpeting its value?
PRICELESS!!
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:24 PM
1 comments
Sunday, June 25, 2006
EPIPHANY (def.) a divine manifestation.......
To a human being, an orgasm is an epiphany.
To an evangelical, an epiphany is an orgasm.
In the case of the former, it can be experienced countless times.
In the case of the latter, it can be experienced only once.
To an evangelical, an epiphany is an orgasm.
In the case of the former, it can be experienced countless times.
In the case of the latter, it can be experienced only once.
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 8:05 PM
1 comments
Sunday, May 14, 2006
EATIN' THE PINK TACO
This billboard appeared a couple months ago or so......I gave it maybe a few weeks before some prudish Priscilla or religious wingnut would whine loud enough to make it disappear.....wrong.....One has to guess that the reason is that those totally insular types probably saw it and said "Huh?"......Sorta like when I walked through the TV room a while back while my wife was watching one of those numerous and endless awards shows........Charlize Theron was at the podium talking about wearing a tight-fitting body suit "cameltoe and all".....I fell on the floor laughing.....my wife said "Huh?"......
This Chino Latino outfit has a great sense of humor, evident not only by their billboards, but even their menu......they're a restaurant that offers "Street food from the hot zones" from around the world....spicy shit....not my bag, but.....
Wanna make a reservation? "For a good time call Laurie 612-824-PUPU"
And you can "Party till you phuket"......and "Threesomes encouraged."
Some items on the menu:
Hot and Sticky Jungle Wings
The Three-Way (any 3 sides)
Cap'n Crunchy Lobster Roll
Siggy's Naughty White Tiger Roll
The Weed Eater
Wasabi Tuna Drano Balls
Street Hawker Beef Satay
Ring of Fire Roll
Banzai Bullet Train Bento Box
Fidel's Capitalist Pig Roast (10 person minimum, 72 hours notice required)
Holy Santos' Sacred Surf and Turf (blessed lobster tails, enlightened beef tenderloins, sweet passion fruit sauce and devilish chipotle butter, amen.)
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:37 AM
6 comments
Friday, May 12, 2006
FLUSH ME !!!!
I was just reading that Costco has started to sell caskets at discount prices........
This, of course, has caused apoplexy among the members of the Funeral Directors' Associations
'cause all of a sudden their cash cow is in jeopardy......seems that they'll give you all of the free flowers you want, in order to preserve the (up to) 600% markup on the price of the casket........
Well, nobody's gonna get a dime of my money for a casket.....or a $1Million mausoleum.....or a headstone.....or even so much as an urn......
Burn me!! Reduce me to ashes!! Chrissakes, it ain't like I'm gonna be aware of anything!! I won't have even a vague idea of how many people attend my funeral (which is probably fortunate) or how many shed a tear (even more fortunate).....and fuck those romantic notions about spreading my ashes hither & yon......
Just FLUSH ME!!!!!
Unless, of course, you're afraid that the bulk may create a stoppage.....in that case, stuff me into a fuckin' baggie & integrate me with the weekly collection at the curb......(if that practice isn't allowable under local restrictions, just don't fuckin' tell 'em, you nitwit....they'll probaby think that you just emptied your vacuum cleaner bag).......
Okay, let's assume....just for a moment, mind you......that you're one of those that believes that your body lives on, and is attached to your soul, so you want to be buried......especially next to the loved ones that expired before you.....and in anticipation of being joined by those who follow you.......
Are you fuckin' nuts?? You're just gonna be compost....eaten by worms & bugs, transformed by bacteria, your lifestuff chemically altered to the equivalent of offal.........yeah, shit....and it ain't gonna be an immediate or overnight process....you're gonna be sufferin' for a long time.....bein' eaten away, corroded away, for one helluva a long time, only to become fertilizer for the oak tree that somehow, accidently, germinated near your grave.....
If you're still hangin' on to a belief that you're gonna pass to the afterlife as even a remote resemblance to your worldly self, or to be reunited with with loved ones and acquaintances in their former guises....physically or spiritually......
Get a life!!!! Or afterlife!!!!!
You've been had!!!!
So incinerate me.....it's quick, easy, cheap, done in a flash, no interminable suffering.....and, with the cost savings, give your descendants something that really matters.....a couple nights out, maybe some movie rentals, a new dishwasher, a down payment on a used car, a couple cases of beer, a couple ounces of ganja........
Now, that's what really matters......
Memories? Fuck 'em.....they only exist while you're alive.....so enjoy 'em while you can....they can't be taken with you......
Can't be passed on, either......yours are not theirs.....
So burn me........as cheaply as you can......and spend or pocket the difference.......
Just don't do it prematurely.........
This, of course, has caused apoplexy among the members of the Funeral Directors' Associations
'cause all of a sudden their cash cow is in jeopardy......seems that they'll give you all of the free flowers you want, in order to preserve the (up to) 600% markup on the price of the casket........
Well, nobody's gonna get a dime of my money for a casket.....or a $1Million mausoleum.....or a headstone.....or even so much as an urn......
Burn me!! Reduce me to ashes!! Chrissakes, it ain't like I'm gonna be aware of anything!! I won't have even a vague idea of how many people attend my funeral (which is probably fortunate) or how many shed a tear (even more fortunate).....and fuck those romantic notions about spreading my ashes hither & yon......
Just FLUSH ME!!!!!
Unless, of course, you're afraid that the bulk may create a stoppage.....in that case, stuff me into a fuckin' baggie & integrate me with the weekly collection at the curb......(if that practice isn't allowable under local restrictions, just don't fuckin' tell 'em, you nitwit....they'll probaby think that you just emptied your vacuum cleaner bag).......
Okay, let's assume....just for a moment, mind you......that you're one of those that believes that your body lives on, and is attached to your soul, so you want to be buried......especially next to the loved ones that expired before you.....and in anticipation of being joined by those who follow you.......
Are you fuckin' nuts?? You're just gonna be compost....eaten by worms & bugs, transformed by bacteria, your lifestuff chemically altered to the equivalent of offal.........yeah, shit....and it ain't gonna be an immediate or overnight process....you're gonna be sufferin' for a long time.....bein' eaten away, corroded away, for one helluva a long time, only to become fertilizer for the oak tree that somehow, accidently, germinated near your grave.....
If you're still hangin' on to a belief that you're gonna pass to the afterlife as even a remote resemblance to your worldly self, or to be reunited with with loved ones and acquaintances in their former guises....physically or spiritually......
Get a life!!!! Or afterlife!!!!!
You've been had!!!!
So incinerate me.....it's quick, easy, cheap, done in a flash, no interminable suffering.....and, with the cost savings, give your descendants something that really matters.....a couple nights out, maybe some movie rentals, a new dishwasher, a down payment on a used car, a couple cases of beer, a couple ounces of ganja........
Now, that's what really matters......
Memories? Fuck 'em.....they only exist while you're alive.....so enjoy 'em while you can....they can't be taken with you......
Can't be passed on, either......yours are not theirs.....
So burn me........as cheaply as you can......and spend or pocket the difference.......
Just don't do it prematurely.........
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:09 PM
4 comments
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
ADMIT IT!!! YOU'RE AN ADDICT!!!!!
There was an article in the Wall Street Journal today, entitled "As Marijuana Use Rises, More People Are Seeking Treatment for Addiction"........
http://online.wsj.com/article_print/SB114652509054640879.html
This is so hilarious.... first, these are federally funded studies, reported by none other than the Wall Street Journal......Do I detect a bias? Or an agenda? A government ringer, a la Rich Gannon?
"Substantial scientific evidence?' Looks more like anecdotal evidence to me....
"Marijuana Anonymous?" How many steps in that program?
"No debate among American researchers".....Gimme a fuckin' break.......
Note that it says that the "euphoria" can be addictive....not the THC itself....and then at the rate of only 2 or 3 % of users......
Fuck!!!! That can apply to the addictiveness of the "euphoria" experienced by 2 or 3 % of .......well, let me think.........EVERYTHING.....ANYTHING......such as:
Runners (well, I had to start somewhere...... I'm acquainted with a few, as well as tri-athletes, all of whom feel that I'm a degenerative slacker, denying myself of such a rush!!!), gamers, movie nuts, blog readers, church-goers, sports fanatics, hobbyists, reality TV fans, gardeners, soap addicts, golfers, skiers, crossword puzzle enthusiasts (I must confess), gamblers, readers of any particular genre, stock speculators, butterfly collectors, bird-watchers, porn viewers, history buffs, antique collectors ( or junkers), Xtreme anything, political junkies, car buffs, collectors of anything (i.e. baseball cards, Barbie dolls, pet rocks, arrowheads, coins, stamps, militaria, railroadiana, license plates, Pokemon.....), wine snobs, art snobs, fashion snobs, haute cuisine snobs (gimme, meat, potatoes, & corn, with copious amounts of butter, 3 times a day 24-7-365, and hold the green shit, lite shit, or any kind of mayo, dressing, or seasonings other than salt, pepper, & Ken Davis' barbeque sauce), astronomers, geologists, archaeologists, computer geeks, snowmobilers, polo players or any of the "horsie" ilk, members of groups like PETA, the Sierra Club, the ACLU, the Nazi Party, the Young Republicans, or the Isaac Walton League......
http://online.wsj.com/article_print/SB114652509054640879.html
This is so hilarious.... first, these are federally funded studies, reported by none other than the Wall Street Journal......Do I detect a bias? Or an agenda? A government ringer, a la Rich Gannon?
"Substantial scientific evidence?' Looks more like anecdotal evidence to me....
"Marijuana Anonymous?" How many steps in that program?
"No debate among American researchers".....Gimme a fuckin' break.......
Note that it says that the "euphoria" can be addictive....not the THC itself....and then at the rate of only 2 or 3 % of users......
Fuck!!!! That can apply to the addictiveness of the "euphoria" experienced by 2 or 3 % of .......well, let me think.........EVERYTHING.....ANYTHING......such as:
Runners (well, I had to start somewhere...... I'm acquainted with a few, as well as tri-athletes, all of whom feel that I'm a degenerative slacker, denying myself of such a rush!!!), gamers, movie nuts, blog readers, church-goers, sports fanatics, hobbyists, reality TV fans, gardeners, soap addicts, golfers, skiers, crossword puzzle enthusiasts (I must confess), gamblers, readers of any particular genre, stock speculators, butterfly collectors, bird-watchers, porn viewers, history buffs, antique collectors ( or junkers), Xtreme anything, political junkies, car buffs, collectors of anything (i.e. baseball cards, Barbie dolls, pet rocks, arrowheads, coins, stamps, militaria, railroadiana, license plates, Pokemon.....), wine snobs, art snobs, fashion snobs, haute cuisine snobs (gimme, meat, potatoes, & corn, with copious amounts of butter, 3 times a day 24-7-365, and hold the green shit, lite shit, or any kind of mayo, dressing, or seasonings other than salt, pepper, & Ken Davis' barbeque sauce), astronomers, geologists, archaeologists, computer geeks, snowmobilers, polo players or any of the "horsie" ilk, members of groups like PETA, the Sierra Club, the ACLU, the Nazi Party, the Young Republicans, or the Isaac Walton League......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 8:25 PM
2 comments
Saturday, April 29, 2006
WINDFALL PROFITS TAX FOR BIG OIL?
Fuck that.......
For more than a decade, oil companies weren't makin' any money 'cause the price of the oil was too low.....the world decried them then for not spending any money on new exploration, maintaining refineries, and the like.......they didn't have the money.....
Now, for the last couple of years, global demand has allowed them to make a reasonable profit.....they're pouring money into new exploration and not only upgrading but expanding refineries........
But now, you get loudmouths like that Schumer fella outa New Yawk saying that the oil companies oughta be charged a windfall profits tax......gotta love election-year politics.....this is a guy, I'm sure, who has benefitted disproportionately from the Bush tax cuts, although he'd ever admit it......or any of those other asshole legislators who have a lot more money & perks than you or I could ever hope to have........
The three largest oil companies....Exxon Mobil, Chevron, & ConocoPhillips....made a profit of 8.19 percent.......Shit, I'd be willing to bet that Schumer made a better profit than that on all the money he has in "blind" trusts......
On the other hand, the three largest Internet bellwethers......Google, Yahoo, and eBay.......made a profit of 19.2%......more than double that of the oil companies......
Who oughta be taxed for windfall profits?
For more than a decade, oil companies weren't makin' any money 'cause the price of the oil was too low.....the world decried them then for not spending any money on new exploration, maintaining refineries, and the like.......they didn't have the money.....
Now, for the last couple of years, global demand has allowed them to make a reasonable profit.....they're pouring money into new exploration and not only upgrading but expanding refineries........
But now, you get loudmouths like that Schumer fella outa New Yawk saying that the oil companies oughta be charged a windfall profits tax......gotta love election-year politics.....this is a guy, I'm sure, who has benefitted disproportionately from the Bush tax cuts, although he'd ever admit it......or any of those other asshole legislators who have a lot more money & perks than you or I could ever hope to have........
The three largest oil companies....Exxon Mobil, Chevron, & ConocoPhillips....made a profit of 8.19 percent.......Shit, I'd be willing to bet that Schumer made a better profit than that on all the money he has in "blind" trusts......
On the other hand, the three largest Internet bellwethers......Google, Yahoo, and eBay.......made a profit of 19.2%......more than double that of the oil companies......
Who oughta be taxed for windfall profits?
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 6:57 PM
6 comments
Sunday, April 23, 2006
SPRINGTIME IN MINNESOTA.....
Finally......a weekend when it wasn't either raining or just too fuckin' cold for my old bones........
So I hit the spring yardwork full bore.....
Yesterday, it was raking & cleaning all of the shit & debris outa the flowerbeds (well, 20% of 'em, anyway).....all bending-over type shit....by the end of the day, I didn't think my back would allow me to ever again stand upright.......
Today, though, I was once again out bright & early, tending to trimming hedges & shrubs & doing some pruning......so, instead of bending over, I was mostly working with tools above shoulder level.....in spite of taking frequent & increasingly lengthy breaks, I caved in really early, 'cause my rubbery arms were incapable of anything more strenuous than combing my hair....or lack thereof....
Fuck.....I sit at my job all day, and sit in front of the computer at night.....being on my feet is entirely foreign, especially when it involves movement....I'm sitting here now wondering if my rubbery legs are gonna be able to make it up the stairs, let alone stand erect when I push my chair away from the computer.....which I must, of course, since the first ice-cold beer I just guzzled to replace the loss of fluid through that vile bodily function known as perspiration is empty........note to myself......start drinking beer out of a can rather than a bottle, 'cause those glass bastards are much too heavy.....
If I'm not mistaken, there once was a comic book hero called Rubberman....or Plasticman....or Elasticman.....whatever......fuck, is that ever fiction.....if his arms were as rubbery as mine, he wouldn't be able to brush his teeth, let alone save the world.......
So I hit the spring yardwork full bore.....
Yesterday, it was raking & cleaning all of the shit & debris outa the flowerbeds (well, 20% of 'em, anyway).....all bending-over type shit....by the end of the day, I didn't think my back would allow me to ever again stand upright.......
Today, though, I was once again out bright & early, tending to trimming hedges & shrubs & doing some pruning......so, instead of bending over, I was mostly working with tools above shoulder level.....in spite of taking frequent & increasingly lengthy breaks, I caved in really early, 'cause my rubbery arms were incapable of anything more strenuous than combing my hair....or lack thereof....
Fuck.....I sit at my job all day, and sit in front of the computer at night.....being on my feet is entirely foreign, especially when it involves movement....I'm sitting here now wondering if my rubbery legs are gonna be able to make it up the stairs, let alone stand erect when I push my chair away from the computer.....which I must, of course, since the first ice-cold beer I just guzzled to replace the loss of fluid through that vile bodily function known as perspiration is empty........note to myself......start drinking beer out of a can rather than a bottle, 'cause those glass bastards are much too heavy.....
If I'm not mistaken, there once was a comic book hero called Rubberman....or Plasticman....or Elasticman.....whatever......fuck, is that ever fiction.....if his arms were as rubbery as mine, he wouldn't be able to brush his teeth, let alone save the world.......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 5:21 PM
2 comments
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
PRIORITIES....LONESOME GEORGE
Santa Claus is coming to town......
Hu Jintao, the Chinese President , is scheduled to visit with the Bush Administration on Thursday...but first......
Let's place importance on the priorities of his visit......
First, a tour of a Boeing plant (he's placed an order for 80 of the aircraft)......
Second, dinner with Bill Gates at Gates' home (Chinese PC makers have agreed to purchase hundreds of millions of dollars worth of licensed versions of Windows)........
Lastly.......
A state dinner with Dubya.......who's anybody kidding? The prior two engagements have one helluva lot more importance.....this'll be just a kinda postscript.......his last stop, matter of fact...
Karl & Scotty: "Hu's coming to town..."
Lonesome George: "Who?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu....."
Lonesome George: "Dammit, Who?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu Jintao....."
Lonesome George: "Who's in charge?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu Jintao."
Lonesome George: "Dammit, you guys, who's in charge?????''
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu Jintao!!!!"
Lonesome George: "Who?........Never mind!!...... Who's in charge don't really matter, I guess.....
But who'm I gonna eatin' dinner with?"
Karl & Scotty: "Hu."
Lonesome George: "Who? Dammit, you guys, you make about as much sense as Cheny &
Rummy......Who?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu......"
Hu Jintao, the Chinese President , is scheduled to visit with the Bush Administration on Thursday...but first......
Let's place importance on the priorities of his visit......
First, a tour of a Boeing plant (he's placed an order for 80 of the aircraft)......
Second, dinner with Bill Gates at Gates' home (Chinese PC makers have agreed to purchase hundreds of millions of dollars worth of licensed versions of Windows)........
Lastly.......
A state dinner with Dubya.......who's anybody kidding? The prior two engagements have one helluva lot more importance.....this'll be just a kinda postscript.......his last stop, matter of fact...
Karl & Scotty: "Hu's coming to town..."
Lonesome George: "Who?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu....."
Lonesome George: "Dammit, Who?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu Jintao....."
Lonesome George: "Who's in charge?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu Jintao."
Lonesome George: "Dammit, you guys, who's in charge?????''
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu Jintao!!!!"
Lonesome George: "Who?........Never mind!!...... Who's in charge don't really matter, I guess.....
But who'm I gonna eatin' dinner with?"
Karl & Scotty: "Hu."
Lonesome George: "Who? Dammit, you guys, you make about as much sense as Cheny &
Rummy......Who?"
Karl & Scotty: "Yeah, Hu......"
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:43 PM
2 comments
Sunday, March 26, 2006
WHY DOES THIS WOMAN ALWAYS LOOK LIKE SHE JUST SWALLOWED SOMETHING REALLY NASTY ?
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 8:06 AM
4 comments
Sunday, March 19, 2006
LAUGH, OR YOU'LL CRY
A great example of absurdity, governmental idiocy, litigious surrealism, and the state of the society we live in.......
The following Op-Ed piece by Michael Crichton ("Jurassic Park", "State of Fear") appeared in the New York Times today....
"This Essay Breaks the Law"
The following Op-Ed piece by Michael Crichton ("Jurassic Park", "State of Fear") appeared in the New York Times today....
"This Essay Breaks the Law"
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 8:10 AM
3 comments
Friday, March 17, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
DO YOU MIND? I'M HAVIN' A SHIT CONNIPTION!!!
Because of the blizzard, we lost power for about an hour between 4:00 & 5:00 AM yesterday....when the lights came back on, the missus immediately set several kettles of water a-boilin', in anticipation of the power goin' off again, and we wouldn't be able to nuke our instant coffee...ever the practical thinker...especially from an historical perspective....the power goes out around here more often than Dubya commits a faux pas.......
I, on the other hand, had a shit conniption....the cable was out and, along with it, of course, my avenue to the internet.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no news.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no email.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....two more hours before I hit the saddle....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....my second cup of coffee in hand, hadn't even worked up a shit yet, and nothing to do while I waited....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....paced.....looked out the window for awhile....made third cup of coffee.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, I can always shower early....what's that? running water? The missus had the same idea & beat me to it....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....can't start shovellin' yet, 'cause it's now comin' down faster than ever....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....
Well, somehow enough time passed, & I hit the road.....I returned home after umpteen near-fatal traffic encounters.....the lights still work....good sign....cable TV functioning again.....nuked some coffee....logged on.....nothing there!! ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no news....no email.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, the snow stopped......14", all together.....shovelled.....nearly had a heart attack.....nuked some more coffee.....logged on again....still dead....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, at least it was time for Antiques Roadshow.....switched on the TV.....WTF?? Pledge week!!!!!! ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....washed a few loads of towels, got drunk, & finally hit the rack.....
Ah, Tuesday...woke up, nuked some coffee, logged on.....what? still nuthin'? ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....second verse, same as the first....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....towels are all clean, shovellin's all done.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....thank god the phone still works.....called Time Warner....recorded message...."We're havin' satellite-link problems, you fuckin' loser!! Get over it!!!!"....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....another day on the road....another dozen or so near-fatal traffic encounters....this time, though, not due to traffic conditions.....frazzled......
Just got home.....nuked some cofee....threw away the mail without looking at it.....moment of truth.....do I dare? Shaking, I logged on....Eureka!! It's there! It's finally there!!
Kissed both screens, both mice, both keyboards.....I burst out crying..... I'm whole again!!! I have a window to the world!!! I'm alive!!!!!
Saw what I had missed.......
Jeezus......
I, on the other hand, had a shit conniption....the cable was out and, along with it, of course, my avenue to the internet.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no news.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no email.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....two more hours before I hit the saddle....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....my second cup of coffee in hand, hadn't even worked up a shit yet, and nothing to do while I waited....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....paced.....looked out the window for awhile....made third cup of coffee.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, I can always shower early....what's that? running water? The missus had the same idea & beat me to it....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....can't start shovellin' yet, 'cause it's now comin' down faster than ever....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....
Well, somehow enough time passed, & I hit the road.....I returned home after umpteen near-fatal traffic encounters.....the lights still work....good sign....cable TV functioning again.....nuked some coffee....logged on.....nothing there!! ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no news....no email.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, the snow stopped......14", all together.....shovelled.....nearly had a heart attack.....nuked some more coffee.....logged on again....still dead....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, at least it was time for Antiques Roadshow.....switched on the TV.....WTF?? Pledge week!!!!!! ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....washed a few loads of towels, got drunk, & finally hit the rack.....
Ah, Tuesday...woke up, nuked some coffee, logged on.....what? still nuthin'? ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....second verse, same as the first....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....towels are all clean, shovellin's all done.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....thank god the phone still works.....called Time Warner....recorded message...."We're havin' satellite-link problems, you fuckin' loser!! Get over it!!!!"....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....another day on the road....another dozen or so near-fatal traffic encounters....this time, though, not due to traffic conditions.....frazzled......
Just got home.....nuked some cofee....threw away the mail without looking at it.....moment of truth.....do I dare? Shaking, I logged on....Eureka!! It's there! It's finally there!!
Kissed both screens, both mice, both keyboards.....I burst out crying..... I'm whole again!!! I have a window to the world!!! I'm alive!!!!!
Saw what I had missed.......
Jeezus......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:45 PM
1 comments
Sunday, March 12, 2006
OVER THE HILL.....AND COASTING....
Now that "The Aristocrats" is out on DVD, I picked up a copy.....the most hilarious, entertaining, spellbinding documentary to surface in years....or ever.......
Unless, of course, you're like my wife, who, totally aghast, shut it down in utter disgust after the first 8 or 9 minutes.....even before it got to the really funny parts......and was completely incredulous that I could be even remotely amused by such tasteless, crude vulgarity.....
Coexistence.....it means one thing in biological or political terms, but something entirely different in terms of cohabitation and/or religious ethos......
The latter are far more contentious, tenuous, and apt to widen the chasm with the passage of time.....
Coexistence and indifference become synonymous.......
That's why I have my own separate room in the basement, with my computer, of course, where I can laugh at whatever I find funny, whenever I want, without (mostly) any interference.....
The only problem, and the one I seem to keep forgetting, is there are times, like when you've just viewed one of the funniest things you've ever seen, and want to share it, is that you should ever expect, based upon historical context, that the person upstairs is the person with which you want to be sharing it.......
Oh, well....the indignant cold shoulder and the accompanying, enduring silence, after all these years, has become so predictably commonplace that I find it damned near comforting...
It's an uphill battle.....you strive for years to find common ground....many a pitched battle is fought.....but no winners emerge, each side still clinging to their intrinsic values and sensibilities....or lack thereof, from one viewpoint.....eventually, you reach a point where you find yourselves at the top of the hill with no reconciliation....
Today, however, I found myself over the hill....not only in terms of my age, which is considerable, but in my willingness to fight the unbeatable foe.....it's not that my my sensibilities, philosophies, or sense of humor have changed, but....
Well, fuck....let's face it.....
Once you're over the hill, you can coast the rest of the way....which is rapidly approaching.....and unabashedly guffaw over all of the gutter humor that you wish......
In spite of the indignant silence.......
Unless, of course, you're like my wife, who, totally aghast, shut it down in utter disgust after the first 8 or 9 minutes.....even before it got to the really funny parts......and was completely incredulous that I could be even remotely amused by such tasteless, crude vulgarity.....
Coexistence.....it means one thing in biological or political terms, but something entirely different in terms of cohabitation and/or religious ethos......
The latter are far more contentious, tenuous, and apt to widen the chasm with the passage of time.....
Coexistence and indifference become synonymous.......
That's why I have my own separate room in the basement, with my computer, of course, where I can laugh at whatever I find funny, whenever I want, without (mostly) any interference.....
The only problem, and the one I seem to keep forgetting, is there are times, like when you've just viewed one of the funniest things you've ever seen, and want to share it, is that you should ever expect, based upon historical context, that the person upstairs is the person with which you want to be sharing it.......
Oh, well....the indignant cold shoulder and the accompanying, enduring silence, after all these years, has become so predictably commonplace that I find it damned near comforting...
It's an uphill battle.....you strive for years to find common ground....many a pitched battle is fought.....but no winners emerge, each side still clinging to their intrinsic values and sensibilities....or lack thereof, from one viewpoint.....eventually, you reach a point where you find yourselves at the top of the hill with no reconciliation....
Today, however, I found myself over the hill....not only in terms of my age, which is considerable, but in my willingness to fight the unbeatable foe.....it's not that my my sensibilities, philosophies, or sense of humor have changed, but....
Well, fuck....let's face it.....
Once you're over the hill, you can coast the rest of the way....which is rapidly approaching.....and unabashedly guffaw over all of the gutter humor that you wish......
In spite of the indignant silence.......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 10:19 PM
1 comments
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Oooooh, oooooh....DOMINO!!!!
My apologies to Van Morrison.......
So, here we are.......
Dubya goes over to India.....promises them that he'll give 'em anything they want in terms of nuclear capability.....peaceful use, only, of course.....all they have to do is agree that we can inspect their nuclear power plants......but we acknowledge that their military research can't be inspected.....
Dubya then goes to Pakistan.....tells them that their arch-rival, India, is gonna get all this aid & expertise but, because Musharraf ain't cuttin' the mustard, they're pretty much on their own.....
Iran, of course, has already stated their intentions, including blowin' Israel off the map......in spite of their being a signatory to the NNPT......
All of a sudden, Egypt, another signatory to the NNPT, and understandably, sez....."Wait a minute! The US is going to violate the NNPT by not only allowing but assisting India, a non-signatory, in furthering their nuclear capability? WTF????? Here we are, with no oil, struggling to find a way to provide our citizenry with electricity, steadfastly upholding & supporting non-proliferation, with no nuclear power capability whatsoever......where does that leave us? We've legally & morally kept all of our pledges.....the US has immorally & illegally undercut all of our good will, not to mention all of the NNPT convenants......"
"It's time to re-evaluate our stance on this issue.....we need nuclear capability".....
So, that dumbass Bush has not only alienated & embarrassed Pakistan, a supposed ally, but also has suddenly alienated a true ally, creating not one, but two vacuums.......both of which China will readily step into....
God, I can't imagine what has been going through that combined pea-brained intellect of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeldt, Rice, Rove, et al......
Years from now, when one Googles (if they're still around) the keywords "idiocy," "ineptitude," "immoral," "incoherent," "incompetent," "incomprehensible," "irresponsible," "irrational," "incoherent," "illogical," "irascible," "inane," "ill-begotten," "ill-contrived," "ill-conceived," or "inbred," (and those are just some of the "I's,") every search will come up: "Bush Administration 2001-2009."
Ooooooh, ooooooh, Domino!!
So, here we are.......
Dubya goes over to India.....promises them that he'll give 'em anything they want in terms of nuclear capability.....peaceful use, only, of course.....all they have to do is agree that we can inspect their nuclear power plants......but we acknowledge that their military research can't be inspected.....
Dubya then goes to Pakistan.....tells them that their arch-rival, India, is gonna get all this aid & expertise but, because Musharraf ain't cuttin' the mustard, they're pretty much on their own.....
Iran, of course, has already stated their intentions, including blowin' Israel off the map......in spite of their being a signatory to the NNPT......
All of a sudden, Egypt, another signatory to the NNPT, and understandably, sez....."Wait a minute! The US is going to violate the NNPT by not only allowing but assisting India, a non-signatory, in furthering their nuclear capability? WTF????? Here we are, with no oil, struggling to find a way to provide our citizenry with electricity, steadfastly upholding & supporting non-proliferation, with no nuclear power capability whatsoever......where does that leave us? We've legally & morally kept all of our pledges.....the US has immorally & illegally undercut all of our good will, not to mention all of the NNPT convenants......"
"It's time to re-evaluate our stance on this issue.....we need nuclear capability".....
So, that dumbass Bush has not only alienated & embarrassed Pakistan, a supposed ally, but also has suddenly alienated a true ally, creating not one, but two vacuums.......both of which China will readily step into....
God, I can't imagine what has been going through that combined pea-brained intellect of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeldt, Rice, Rove, et al......
Years from now, when one Googles (if they're still around) the keywords "idiocy," "ineptitude," "immoral," "incoherent," "incompetent," "incomprehensible," "irresponsible," "irrational," "incoherent," "illogical," "irascible," "inane," "ill-begotten," "ill-contrived," "ill-conceived," or "inbred," (and those are just some of the "I's,") every search will come up: "Bush Administration 2001-2009."
Ooooooh, ooooooh, Domino!!
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 8:40 PM
6 comments
Sunday, March 05, 2006
KASHMIR.....ARMAGEDDON??
During the Cold War, the US assisted India in building up their nuclear capabilities as a buffer in the region against the Communist yellow horde. China, therefore, did the same with Pakistan, to serve as a buffer against the curry culture.
Russia invaded Afghanistan, and the US swung its military aid to Pakistan, so that they would assist the US in assisting Osama bin Laden in assisting the Taliban against Russia. India, miffed, found China willing to help build their nuclear facilities and bought nuclear arms from them to counteract the nuclear buildup in Pakistan, which was being developed by A. Q. Khan, with CIA funding, technical expertise, and material assistance....Khan becomes a national hero in Pakistan.
Christ!! Why does the US blindly make the same mistake over & over? They beef up some country's military and then, without warning, rebuke them publicly, treating them like a red-headed stepchild, often beefing up that country's enemies at the same time, leaving them in a vacuum, creating a need to seek other allies.....
So what happened next? 9/11, of course.
Well, that dildo Bush immediately hauls off and names Iran as a terrorist state and one of the axis of evil.....Iran, already one of the afore-mentioned red-headed stepchidren, had been pissed off enough to go to Kahn, who'd sell his mother for the right price, not to mention everything the CIA gave him, to the highest bidder.....
Meantime, Tex goes into Afghanistan with six-shooters blazing, going after his one-time allies Osama & the Taliban....the US starts pouring more money into Pakistan.....Pakistan's enemy, India, miffed again, invites China to develop oilfields & pipelines in India.
Tex, still with a couple rounds in his six-shooter, decides that Iraq is the next target of his born-again, neo-con ideals.....Iran, of course, gets even more pissed.....now the US has another military foothold right on their border. So, they start pouring copious amounts of cash into Iraq, funding insurgencies and financing the buildup of Shiite militias.
Iran had been practicing the same tactic with Hamas.....Lo & behold!! All of a sudden, Hamas was legitimately elected to govern the Palestinians, even though 12 of the Hamas elected representatives are still sitting in Israeli jails.
The US threatens to withhold funds to Hamas.....Iran says "So what? we'll keep on funding them ourselves, that's all....and by the way, we intend to blow Israel off the map....." So, the US threatens to sanction Iran....Iran says "So what? we'll sell all our oil to China....after all, they own & run a great portion of the oil facilities here anyway.".....and they start building up their military forces along the Gulf of Oman, across from Djiboudi, where the US already has a military installation set up in the event that they might have to set up a blockade to keep Iran's oil from escaping.
Then, there's Russia.....whatever Iranian oil China isn't pumping, they probably are.....not to mention the huge construction contracts they have for building nuclear power plants.....well, things are getting a little outa control down there, they figure....way too much money tied up down there......So, they offer to enrich Iran's uranium for them. And, to further placate the Iranians, they decide to invite all of the newly-elected (and available) Hamas folks to an enclave in Russia, over the objections of the West.
So, pissed off at Russia, Tex decides he'd better get cozy with the enormous population of nearby India once again.....he goes over there and offers them pie in the sky, telling them that the US will help them expand their nuclear capability (peaceful purposes only, of course)....which they seem to have bought......an' then he goes to Pakistan & tells them that they haven't been pulling their weight, and they ain't gonna get so much as a lollipop.......
Musharraf, who likes running his country, and who has already extended his term as "president" by promising elections in 2008, sees the US-aided nuclear buildup in India and US presence in Afghanistan on another part of his border, starts nervously sweating and warily eyeing the only part of his border without US presence.....Iran....they, likewise, having existed in a pincers between US-occupied Iraq and Afghanistan and the other 'Stans, start eyeing the part of their border that could possibly afford them some future protection......Pakistan......whose national hero Khan, with the consent of Musharraf, was insrumental in affording Iran the opportunity to rapidly accelerate their nuclear ambitions.
But where's China in all this? They're patient.....content to watch it all unfold, with a headlong military buildup in the meantime.....and whenever the US inevitably screws up and creates another vacuum, they step into the void with money and technology and are rewarded with oil contracts.
Dubya is now creating another vacuum in Pakistan by making them another stepchild and beefing up the nuclear capabilities of their enemy, India (peaceful purposes only, remember.....would ol' George lie to you?).....if Musharraf feels uneasy enough about his future, which he probably does, he's apt to strengthen his ties to Iran.
So, consider : The US has already told China that they will aid Taiwan militarily should China attempt to take Taiwan back into the fold by force, which they have stated that they will do, if necessary. China is chewing on the promise of the US to strengthen the nuclear capabilities of India, on their southern border....and they're damned well aware that such generosity toward a nation that never ratified the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty unquestionably carries with it some conditions......historically, and predictably, that would suggest some form of military presence by the US or approval to use India's military facilities and airfields as a staging area should the need arise in a future conflict.
That's gotta make China feel doubly uneasy.......the squeeze......
So here's the scenario:
A Pak-Iranian alliance would be to China's obvious benefit, one that they would undoubtedly nurture.......A Cino-Pak-Iranian alliance would mean that India would be totally isolated, strategically, with the exception of.......
Kashmir.
Russia invaded Afghanistan, and the US swung its military aid to Pakistan, so that they would assist the US in assisting Osama bin Laden in assisting the Taliban against Russia. India, miffed, found China willing to help build their nuclear facilities and bought nuclear arms from them to counteract the nuclear buildup in Pakistan, which was being developed by A. Q. Khan, with CIA funding, technical expertise, and material assistance....Khan becomes a national hero in Pakistan.
Christ!! Why does the US blindly make the same mistake over & over? They beef up some country's military and then, without warning, rebuke them publicly, treating them like a red-headed stepchild, often beefing up that country's enemies at the same time, leaving them in a vacuum, creating a need to seek other allies.....
So what happened next? 9/11, of course.
Well, that dildo Bush immediately hauls off and names Iran as a terrorist state and one of the axis of evil.....Iran, already one of the afore-mentioned red-headed stepchidren, had been pissed off enough to go to Kahn, who'd sell his mother for the right price, not to mention everything the CIA gave him, to the highest bidder.....
Meantime, Tex goes into Afghanistan with six-shooters blazing, going after his one-time allies Osama & the Taliban....the US starts pouring more money into Pakistan.....Pakistan's enemy, India, miffed again, invites China to develop oilfields & pipelines in India.
Tex, still with a couple rounds in his six-shooter, decides that Iraq is the next target of his born-again, neo-con ideals.....Iran, of course, gets even more pissed.....now the US has another military foothold right on their border. So, they start pouring copious amounts of cash into Iraq, funding insurgencies and financing the buildup of Shiite militias.
Iran had been practicing the same tactic with Hamas.....Lo & behold!! All of a sudden, Hamas was legitimately elected to govern the Palestinians, even though 12 of the Hamas elected representatives are still sitting in Israeli jails.
The US threatens to withhold funds to Hamas.....Iran says "So what? we'll keep on funding them ourselves, that's all....and by the way, we intend to blow Israel off the map....." So, the US threatens to sanction Iran....Iran says "So what? we'll sell all our oil to China....after all, they own & run a great portion of the oil facilities here anyway.".....and they start building up their military forces along the Gulf of Oman, across from Djiboudi, where the US already has a military installation set up in the event that they might have to set up a blockade to keep Iran's oil from escaping.
Then, there's Russia.....whatever Iranian oil China isn't pumping, they probably are.....not to mention the huge construction contracts they have for building nuclear power plants.....well, things are getting a little outa control down there, they figure....way too much money tied up down there......So, they offer to enrich Iran's uranium for them. And, to further placate the Iranians, they decide to invite all of the newly-elected (and available) Hamas folks to an enclave in Russia, over the objections of the West.
So, pissed off at Russia, Tex decides he'd better get cozy with the enormous population of nearby India once again.....he goes over there and offers them pie in the sky, telling them that the US will help them expand their nuclear capability (peaceful purposes only, of course)....which they seem to have bought......an' then he goes to Pakistan & tells them that they haven't been pulling their weight, and they ain't gonna get so much as a lollipop.......
Musharraf, who likes running his country, and who has already extended his term as "president" by promising elections in 2008, sees the US-aided nuclear buildup in India and US presence in Afghanistan on another part of his border, starts nervously sweating and warily eyeing the only part of his border without US presence.....Iran....they, likewise, having existed in a pincers between US-occupied Iraq and Afghanistan and the other 'Stans, start eyeing the part of their border that could possibly afford them some future protection......Pakistan......whose national hero Khan, with the consent of Musharraf, was insrumental in affording Iran the opportunity to rapidly accelerate their nuclear ambitions.
But where's China in all this? They're patient.....content to watch it all unfold, with a headlong military buildup in the meantime.....and whenever the US inevitably screws up and creates another vacuum, they step into the void with money and technology and are rewarded with oil contracts.
Dubya is now creating another vacuum in Pakistan by making them another stepchild and beefing up the nuclear capabilities of their enemy, India (peaceful purposes only, remember.....would ol' George lie to you?).....if Musharraf feels uneasy enough about his future, which he probably does, he's apt to strengthen his ties to Iran.
So, consider : The US has already told China that they will aid Taiwan militarily should China attempt to take Taiwan back into the fold by force, which they have stated that they will do, if necessary. China is chewing on the promise of the US to strengthen the nuclear capabilities of India, on their southern border....and they're damned well aware that such generosity toward a nation that never ratified the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty unquestionably carries with it some conditions......historically, and predictably, that would suggest some form of military presence by the US or approval to use India's military facilities and airfields as a staging area should the need arise in a future conflict.
That's gotta make China feel doubly uneasy.......the squeeze......
So here's the scenario:
A Pak-Iranian alliance would be to China's obvious benefit, one that they would undoubtedly nurture.......A Cino-Pak-Iranian alliance would mean that India would be totally isolated, strategically, with the exception of.......
Kashmir.
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:50 PM
6 comments
Friday, March 03, 2006
PROFOUND THINKING (REDOUX)
Surprisingly, I heard today from Steve Grausam, the Liquor Director for the City of Edina, apologizing for the placement of the ad, along with his assurance that it will never happen again, emphasizing that they try very hard to portray a positive image when it comes to the sale of alcohol in Edina, and that the ad was taken off as soon as he spoke to an account representative on Wednesday morning....
Kudos, Steve.......
He also passed along an email letter that was sent to him by City Pages on Thursday......
First, I'd like to give you the email verbatim....with my emphasis in italics....and grammatical corrections .....
Secondly, my interpretation.......
VERBATIM:
Dear Steve,
I am writing this email to apologize for Edina Liquor's embedded advertisement that appeared (rotated) next to( a) controversial editorial on City Pages' web site, citypages.com.
City Pages scheduled the embedded advertisement to further increase awareness and redemption of the coupon placed in the 2/22/06 print version of the publication.
This was at no additional cost to Edina Liquor, and the ad did prove successful in views. I apologize for the fact that the online advertisement appeared next to a headline that may appear ( to be) controversial on the website. The ad was not to appear online effective 2/28/06, as the new issue appeared online. The placement of the online embedded advertisement next to the edit was 100% at ( the) fault of City Pages, and not any (of the) staff at Edina Liquor. The print version was placed within the "Dish" restaurant section, where weekly listings appear.
In the future, we will keep in consideration the placement of Edina Liquor's advertising, and not place the ad near controvesial editorial content.
Again, I apologize for this occurrence.
Feel free to contact me further to discuss this matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin Lenhart
Senior Account Executive
City Pages, LLC
TRANSLATION:
So, big deal.....we snuck it in there along with a bunch of other crap, rotating it every so often...
We had your best interests at heart, can't you see that? We were just trying to get people to respond to your coupon offer....never mind that the fact that we placed the ad after the third paragraph of an article admonishing, and critical of, alcohol abuse.....
Chrissakes, it's not like that it cost you anything, you ingrate!! It got a lot of hits, to boot! You oughta be thanking me! Sorry if it appeared in an article that wasn't in keeping with your request that it should be appearing in some damned restaurant section......
Jesus!!! This was just the online version, not the print version.....nobody reads that online crap anyway!!
Okay, we'll try our best to place you in better light in the future (yeah, right)......an' what in the hell are ya poundin' on me for? I'm just a semi-literate ad salesman that management forced to respond to some boo-hoo online reader, even though I was stupid enough to not grasp, in the first place, the obvious stupidity of placing an ad in a context where it doesn't belong.....
Man, I was just tryin' to pad my commission......
Kudos, Steve.......
He also passed along an email letter that was sent to him by City Pages on Thursday......
First, I'd like to give you the email verbatim....with my emphasis in italics....and grammatical corrections .....
Secondly, my interpretation.......
VERBATIM:
Dear Steve,
I am writing this email to apologize for Edina Liquor's embedded advertisement that appeared (rotated) next to( a) controversial editorial on City Pages' web site, citypages.com.
City Pages scheduled the embedded advertisement to further increase awareness and redemption of the coupon placed in the 2/22/06 print version of the publication.
This was at no additional cost to Edina Liquor, and the ad did prove successful in views. I apologize for the fact that the online advertisement appeared next to a headline that may appear ( to be) controversial on the website. The ad was not to appear online effective 2/28/06, as the new issue appeared online. The placement of the online embedded advertisement next to the edit was 100% at ( the) fault of City Pages, and not any (of the) staff at Edina Liquor. The print version was placed within the "Dish" restaurant section, where weekly listings appear.
In the future, we will keep in consideration the placement of Edina Liquor's advertising, and not place the ad near controvesial editorial content.
Again, I apologize for this occurrence.
Feel free to contact me further to discuss this matter.
Sincerely,
Kevin Lenhart
Senior Account Executive
City Pages, LLC
TRANSLATION:
So, big deal.....we snuck it in there along with a bunch of other crap, rotating it every so often...
We had your best interests at heart, can't you see that? We were just trying to get people to respond to your coupon offer....never mind that the fact that we placed the ad after the third paragraph of an article admonishing, and critical of, alcohol abuse.....
Chrissakes, it's not like that it cost you anything, you ingrate!! It got a lot of hits, to boot! You oughta be thanking me! Sorry if it appeared in an article that wasn't in keeping with your request that it should be appearing in some damned restaurant section......
Jesus!!! This was just the online version, not the print version.....nobody reads that online crap anyway!!
Okay, we'll try our best to place you in better light in the future (yeah, right)......an' what in the hell are ya poundin' on me for? I'm just a semi-literate ad salesman that management forced to respond to some boo-hoo online reader, even though I was stupid enough to not grasp, in the first place, the obvious stupidity of placing an ad in a context where it doesn't belong.....
Man, I was just tryin' to pad my commission......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:49 PM
2 comments
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
PROFOUND THINKING PART II
And who is Edina Liquor, you may ask.......
Well, they're none other than a municipally-owned store......the City of Edina, Minnesota.....
Edina Liquor
Well, they're none other than a municipally-owned store......the City of Edina, Minnesota.....
Edina Liquor
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:42 PM
4 comments
PROFOUND THINKING.....or a lack thereof
This has to be one for the ages........
Some dumfuck with a 15-watt bulb for a brain decided that this article was a great place to insert an Edina Liquor ad right after the third paragraph.....and I'll bet it wasn't someone from Edina Liquor.......
High Crimes
Now, I'm sure that someone will very quickly point out to them that they're complete morons, so I'd be willing to bet that it won't be there much longer (the ad, I mean.....the article, I'm certain, will remain, because it's a reasonably good one).
Not to worry.....I've printed it out as well as saved it on my computer......they won't get by that easily.....I'll be more than happy to email a copy of the original to anyone interested.....
Some dumfuck with a 15-watt bulb for a brain decided that this article was a great place to insert an Edina Liquor ad right after the third paragraph.....and I'll bet it wasn't someone from Edina Liquor.......
High Crimes
Now, I'm sure that someone will very quickly point out to them that they're complete morons, so I'd be willing to bet that it won't be there much longer (the ad, I mean.....the article, I'm certain, will remain, because it's a reasonably good one).
Not to worry.....I've printed it out as well as saved it on my computer......they won't get by that easily.....I'll be more than happy to email a copy of the original to anyone interested.....
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 7:17 PM
2 comments
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
MIDNIGHT AT THE OASIS
My apologies to Maria Muldaur........
I was just doing some reading on a right-wing web site called War Footing (10 Steps America Must Take to Prevail in the War for the Free World)....... They have a blog.....who doesn't?...... in which they were discussing the takeover of P&O by Dubai Ports and the shady maneuvering that went on to approve the deal, as well as the motives........
One responder, named "Maria", posted this:
One cold night, as an Arab sat in his tent, a camel gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. "Master," he said, "let me put my nose in your tent. It's cold and stormy out here." "By all means," said the Arab, "and welcome," as he turned over and went to sleep.
A little later the Arab awoke to find that the camel had not only put his nose in the tent but his head and neck also. The camel, who had been turning his head fom side to side, said "I will take but little more room if I place my forelegs within the tent. It is difficult standing out here." "Yes, you may put your forelegs within," said the Arab, moving to make room, for the tent was small.
Finally, the camel said, "May I not stand wholly inside? I keep the tent open by standing as I do." "Yes, yes," said the Arab. "Come wholly inside. Perhaps it will be better for both of us."
So the camel crowded in. The Arab, with difficulty in the crowded quarters, again went to sleep.
When he awoke the next time, he was outside in the cold and the camel had the tent to himself.
I was just doing some reading on a right-wing web site called War Footing (10 Steps America Must Take to Prevail in the War for the Free World)....... They have a blog.....who doesn't?...... in which they were discussing the takeover of P&O by Dubai Ports and the shady maneuvering that went on to approve the deal, as well as the motives........
One responder, named "Maria", posted this:
One cold night, as an Arab sat in his tent, a camel gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. "Master," he said, "let me put my nose in your tent. It's cold and stormy out here." "By all means," said the Arab, "and welcome," as he turned over and went to sleep.
A little later the Arab awoke to find that the camel had not only put his nose in the tent but his head and neck also. The camel, who had been turning his head fom side to side, said "I will take but little more room if I place my forelegs within the tent. It is difficult standing out here." "Yes, you may put your forelegs within," said the Arab, moving to make room, for the tent was small.
Finally, the camel said, "May I not stand wholly inside? I keep the tent open by standing as I do." "Yes, yes," said the Arab. "Come wholly inside. Perhaps it will be better for both of us."
So the camel crowded in. The Arab, with difficulty in the crowded quarters, again went to sleep.
When he awoke the next time, he was outside in the cold and the camel had the tent to himself.
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 5:51 PM
2 comments
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
COMPLETE THE INSCRIPTION......SOON!!!!!!!
President George W. Bush admires a bust of himself (what's the bust wearing? a flight jacket?) presented in his honor Thursday, Feb. 9, 2006 at the National Guard Memorial Building in Washington.Okay, I'm sure that it isn't complete because...... ya never know....and 2009 is so far away.....too far away.......maybe a heart attack? Fallin' off the mountain bike? Bitten by a scorpion while clearin' brush? That bloated Cheney sits on him 'cause he didn't see he was there, a la Whittingham? Laura catches him with Condi? Intellect that he is, he sticks a nail into a wall socket (can'tcha just see him, concentratin' real hard, tryin' to figger out which end of the nail will fit in there, with his tongue stickin' outa the corner of his mouth)? He tries to read "Doonesbury" one Sunday but the strain of comprehension is more than he can handle? Putin or Blair figger he lives on Brokeback Mountain rather than in Crawford? His silver-haired momma decides she's had enuff o' his shit & cracks him upside the head? Ditto Senior? He decides to ride in a convertible in a motorcade through downtown Baghdad? Hillary convinces him that she just wants a one-nighter? God reminds him that it's me they trust, not you?
As you can see, the possibilities are endless....which is more than I can say about his intellectual prowess.......or, as Molly Ivins has said, "Hell, no, he ain't stupid......but he's......challenged."
My most fervent hope, though? Impeach the motherfucker!!!!!!!
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:15 PM
2 comments
Sunday, February 19, 2006
IT'S THE HEAT, STUPID!
Global warming.....
Yeah, there's no doubt it's happening....not in my mind, anyway....or in the minds of the scientific community and the population in general.....with the exception of a few nimrods like Bush and Michael Crichton.
But why? The prevailing theory is greenhouse gases, of course....carbon dioxide in particular....but the way I look at it, all that carbon dioxide should just make plants and trees grow faster and larger.
It's the HEAT, stupid!!!!
I'm sittin' here right now watchin' my world population clock....it's tickin' off another 3 people every second....that's more than a quarter million every day, folks...or about 93,000,000 every fuckin' year.......
Okay, let's roll back about a hundred years......to 1900......back then, the world population was 1.6 billion.....today it's 6.6 billion.....that's an extra 5 billion people runnin' around with their thermostats stuck at 98.6 degrees......like a swarm of tiny space heaters.
What were they driving back in 1900? Horses.......now, of course, there's 600,000,000 passenger cars in the world. And, no....that figure doesn't include SUV's, trucks, buses, trains, boats, airplanes, space shuttles, lawn mowers, snow blowers, snowmobiles, ATV's, weedwhackers, chain saws, generators, rototillers, farm machinery, construction equipment, zambonis.......suffice it to say that internal combustion engines in use today total far more than one engine per each of the planet's 6 1/2 billion inhabitants.......
By now, you've probably figured out that those items create one helluva lotta total heat. Not only that, but think of the amount of heat that was generated to produce all of those engines....and before that, all of the heat that was generated to produce the machinery and the parts used in the factories........and before that, the amount of heat generated to mine, pump, and transport all of the fuel that was consumed in the raw material production.
But let's not stop there......we've gotta heat billions of dwellings, schools, offices, factories, stores, etc......or, even worse, cool those structures.....which actually generates more heat than heating them.....one of the most inefficient processes ever.....and then, of course, we just have to cool our vehicles.....which multiplies the amount of heat all of those billions of engines produce.
But you use electric heat, you say? Sorry, you certainly aren't off the hook......think about how much heat is generated to produce all of that electricity.......or the electricity to run your air conditioner, or all of your appliances, or your lights, or.......I live in Minnesota....for the last several days, it's been about -20 degrees around here......50 degrees below freezing......do you suppose that the Mississippi river freezes up around here? Hell, no......the power plants dump all of the hot water generated in the process into the river......
Sure, the planet has ways of cooling itself off.....like evaporation.....and of course the sun doesn't shine at night......but it's gotta be getting tired......turn on that 1500-watt hair dryer of yours, stick it in your refrigerator, close the door, and see if the poor 'fridge can keep up......
It's the heat, stupid......
Yeah, there's no doubt it's happening....not in my mind, anyway....or in the minds of the scientific community and the population in general.....with the exception of a few nimrods like Bush and Michael Crichton.
But why? The prevailing theory is greenhouse gases, of course....carbon dioxide in particular....but the way I look at it, all that carbon dioxide should just make plants and trees grow faster and larger.
It's the HEAT, stupid!!!!
I'm sittin' here right now watchin' my world population clock....it's tickin' off another 3 people every second....that's more than a quarter million every day, folks...or about 93,000,000 every fuckin' year.......
Okay, let's roll back about a hundred years......to 1900......back then, the world population was 1.6 billion.....today it's 6.6 billion.....that's an extra 5 billion people runnin' around with their thermostats stuck at 98.6 degrees......like a swarm of tiny space heaters.
What were they driving back in 1900? Horses.......now, of course, there's 600,000,000 passenger cars in the world. And, no....that figure doesn't include SUV's, trucks, buses, trains, boats, airplanes, space shuttles, lawn mowers, snow blowers, snowmobiles, ATV's, weedwhackers, chain saws, generators, rototillers, farm machinery, construction equipment, zambonis.......suffice it to say that internal combustion engines in use today total far more than one engine per each of the planet's 6 1/2 billion inhabitants.......
By now, you've probably figured out that those items create one helluva lotta total heat. Not only that, but think of the amount of heat that was generated to produce all of those engines....and before that, all of the heat that was generated to produce the machinery and the parts used in the factories........and before that, the amount of heat generated to mine, pump, and transport all of the fuel that was consumed in the raw material production.
But let's not stop there......we've gotta heat billions of dwellings, schools, offices, factories, stores, etc......or, even worse, cool those structures.....which actually generates more heat than heating them.....one of the most inefficient processes ever.....and then, of course, we just have to cool our vehicles.....which multiplies the amount of heat all of those billions of engines produce.
But you use electric heat, you say? Sorry, you certainly aren't off the hook......think about how much heat is generated to produce all of that electricity.......or the electricity to run your air conditioner, or all of your appliances, or your lights, or.......I live in Minnesota....for the last several days, it's been about -20 degrees around here......50 degrees below freezing......do you suppose that the Mississippi river freezes up around here? Hell, no......the power plants dump all of the hot water generated in the process into the river......
Sure, the planet has ways of cooling itself off.....like evaporation.....and of course the sun doesn't shine at night......but it's gotta be getting tired......turn on that 1500-watt hair dryer of yours, stick it in your refrigerator, close the door, and see if the poor 'fridge can keep up......
It's the heat, stupid......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 1:57 PM
2 comments
Saturday, February 18, 2006
THE NEW MOUNT RUSHMORE
Well, OK......That's the opinion of the RNC web site, evidently (surprise!)......
Any contrarians out there? Please comment.......Of course, try to avoid being obscene (I know, I know.....), uncivil, liberal, rational, intelligent, pragmatic, empathetic, questioning, or disobedient......
After all, the NSA, your elder male sibling (big brother, to you red-staters) , is your role model, your advisor, and your confidant....we wouldn't want to betray our belief and trust in him.........would we?!?
Huh? Answer me!!! Would we, you liberal, tree-huggin', non-pollutin', pro-Kyoto, pro-choice, anti-gun (oops...poor timing), negotiatin', diplomatic, anti-war, peace-lovin', sensible son of a non-Rebublican????!!??
HUH??????? ANSWER ME!!!!!!!
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:30 PM
1 comments
DJIBOUTI??
The Washington Post today contained an article stating that 2 U.S. Marine helicopters had crashed off the coast of Djibouti.......not only that, but it mentioned the Marines had a military base there......(surprise, surprise).....named Camp Lemonier.
Actually, it's Camp Le Monier.......In 2001, it was a former military barracks for the French Foreign Legion, which had been abandoned for years.....the buildings had been stripped of pipes and wiring, the roofs had collapsed, goats roamed the property, and birds had taken to roost in what was left of the structures.
Anyway, the Marines decided to rebuild the place, finally moving into the facility in May of 2003. Its facilities and support operations are administered (surprise, surprise) by Halliburton subsidiary KB&R. It's the home of the CJTF-HOA (Combined Joint Task Force-Horn of Africa).
Reportedly, the CIA has also been using it as a staging ground for unmanned RQ-1 Predator drone aircraft used to track and attack Al-Qaeda operatives.
But enough about that....what I wanted to know was: where the hell is Djibouti? Apart from the US military, who's there? What do they do?
So, I decided that the best way to find out about this garden spot was by logging on to the CIA web site, which is a virtual treasure trove of minutae and statistics......Last updated on January 10, 2006, here are some of the highlights:
It was a French Territory until 1977, when it became independent Djibouti, and was, of course, a dictatorship until a civil war that lasted throughout the 90's ended in a peace accord in 2001.
It's sandwiched between Somalia, Ethiopia, and Eritrea on the Gulf of Aden, near the mouth of the Red Sea.
Size: slightly smaller than Massachusetts
Climate: desert, torrid, dry
Natural Resources: geothermal areas, clay, granite, linestone, marble, salt, diatomite, pumice
Arable land: 0.04%
Permanent crops: 0%
Natural hazards: earthquakes, droughts, flash floods from cyclonic disturbances
Environmental Issues: inadequate supplies of potable water, desertification
Geography: mostly wasteland, strategic location to shipping lanes and Arabian oilfields
Population: 476,000
Median Age: 18
Infant Mortality Rate: 10.4%
Life Expectancy: 43
HIV/AIDS prevalence rate: 3%
Major Infectious Diseases: degree of risk: high
food or waterborne: diarrhea, hepatitus A and E, typhoid
vectorborne: malaria
Religions: Muslim 94%, Christian 6%
Official Languages: French, Arabic
Ethnic Groups: Somali 60%, Afar 35%, French, Arab, Ethiopian, and Italian 5%
Literacy: 67% (male 78%, female 58%)
GDP: $619 million ($1300 per capita)
Unemployment rate: 50%
Agriculture products: fruits, vegetables; goats, sheep, camels, animal hides
Industries: construction, salt
Telephones: wired 9500, cellular 23,000 (2003)
Radio stations: 1 AM, 1 FM
TV stations: 1
Internet country code: .dj
Internet users: 6500
Airports: 13 (3 with paved runways)
Railways: 1 (63 miles total track, under joint control with Ethiopia)
Roadways: 1806 miles (227 paved)
Merchant Marine: 1 cargo ship
Economic Overview:
The economy is based on service activities connected with the country's strategic location as a free trade zone in northeast Africa. Two-thirds of the inhabitants live in the capital city (Djibouti); the remainder are mostly nomadic herders. Scanty rainfall limits crop production to fruits and vegetables, and most food must be imported. Djibouti provides services as a transit port for the region and as an international transshipment and refueling center. Djibouti has few natural resources and little industry. The nation is, therefore, heavily dependent on foreign assistance to help support its balance of payments and to finance development projects. An unemployment rate of at least 50% continues to be a major problem. While inflation is not a concern, due to the fixed tie of the Djiboutian franc to the US dollar, the artificially high value of the Djiboutian franc adversely affacts Djibouti's balance of payments. Per capita consumption dropped an estimated 35% over the last seven years because of recession, civil war, and a high population growth rate (including immigrants and refugees). Faced with a multitude of economic difficulties, the government has fallen in arrears on long-term external debt and has been struggling to meet the stipulations of foreign aid donors.
So, there y'are.....hardly sounds like a great travel destination or a good spot for a retirement home, does it? Musta been easy pickings for the US military to negotiate a lease......
Actually, it's Camp Le Monier.......In 2001, it was a former military barracks for the French Foreign Legion, which had been abandoned for years.....the buildings had been stripped of pipes and wiring, the roofs had collapsed, goats roamed the property, and birds had taken to roost in what was left of the structures.
Anyway, the Marines decided to rebuild the place, finally moving into the facility in May of 2003. Its facilities and support operations are administered (surprise, surprise) by Halliburton subsidiary KB&R. It's the home of the CJTF-HOA (Combined Joint Task Force-Horn of Africa).
Reportedly, the CIA has also been using it as a staging ground for unmanned RQ-1 Predator drone aircraft used to track and attack Al-Qaeda operatives.
But enough about that....what I wanted to know was: where the hell is Djibouti? Apart from the US military, who's there? What do they do?
So, I decided that the best way to find out about this garden spot was by logging on to the CIA web site, which is a virtual treasure trove of minutae and statistics......Last updated on January 10, 2006, here are some of the highlights:
It was a French Territory until 1977, when it became independent Djibouti, and was, of course, a dictatorship until a civil war that lasted throughout the 90's ended in a peace accord in 2001.
It's sandwiched between Somalia, Ethiopia, and Eritrea on the Gulf of Aden, near the mouth of the Red Sea.
Size: slightly smaller than Massachusetts
Climate: desert, torrid, dry
Natural Resources: geothermal areas, clay, granite, linestone, marble, salt, diatomite, pumice
Arable land: 0.04%
Permanent crops: 0%
Natural hazards: earthquakes, droughts, flash floods from cyclonic disturbances
Environmental Issues: inadequate supplies of potable water, desertification
Geography: mostly wasteland, strategic location to shipping lanes and Arabian oilfields
Population: 476,000
Median Age: 18
Infant Mortality Rate: 10.4%
Life Expectancy: 43
HIV/AIDS prevalence rate: 3%
Major Infectious Diseases: degree of risk: high
food or waterborne: diarrhea, hepatitus A and E, typhoid
vectorborne: malaria
Religions: Muslim 94%, Christian 6%
Official Languages: French, Arabic
Ethnic Groups: Somali 60%, Afar 35%, French, Arab, Ethiopian, and Italian 5%
Literacy: 67% (male 78%, female 58%)
GDP: $619 million ($1300 per capita)
Unemployment rate: 50%
Agriculture products: fruits, vegetables; goats, sheep, camels, animal hides
Industries: construction, salt
Telephones: wired 9500, cellular 23,000 (2003)
Radio stations: 1 AM, 1 FM
TV stations: 1
Internet country code: .dj
Internet users: 6500
Airports: 13 (3 with paved runways)
Railways: 1 (63 miles total track, under joint control with Ethiopia)
Roadways: 1806 miles (227 paved)
Merchant Marine: 1 cargo ship
Economic Overview:
The economy is based on service activities connected with the country's strategic location as a free trade zone in northeast Africa. Two-thirds of the inhabitants live in the capital city (Djibouti); the remainder are mostly nomadic herders. Scanty rainfall limits crop production to fruits and vegetables, and most food must be imported. Djibouti provides services as a transit port for the region and as an international transshipment and refueling center. Djibouti has few natural resources and little industry. The nation is, therefore, heavily dependent on foreign assistance to help support its balance of payments and to finance development projects. An unemployment rate of at least 50% continues to be a major problem. While inflation is not a concern, due to the fixed tie of the Djiboutian franc to the US dollar, the artificially high value of the Djiboutian franc adversely affacts Djibouti's balance of payments. Per capita consumption dropped an estimated 35% over the last seven years because of recession, civil war, and a high population growth rate (including immigrants and refugees). Faced with a multitude of economic difficulties, the government has fallen in arrears on long-term external debt and has been struggling to meet the stipulations of foreign aid donors.
So, there y'are.....hardly sounds like a great travel destination or a good spot for a retirement home, does it? Musta been easy pickings for the US military to negotiate a lease......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 8:26 AM
1 comments
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
IS BOB NEWHART A MEMBER OF HAMAS??
The following telephone conversation was intercepted by the NSA the morning following Hamas' victory in the Palestanian elections, between Farhat Assad, the local Hamas spokesman, and an as yet unknown affiliate......unfortunately, it should be noted, only one side of the conversation was able to be recorded and transcribed......this, of course, should in no way be construed as ineptness on the part of the NSA.......it's just that.....well, you know how it goes....when you're up to your eyeballs in millions of illegal wiretaps, shit happens..... :
"Hello? Oh.....hi, Farhat....How're the figs hangin'?....Huh?....We what?.....whaddya mean, we won?.....Stop pullin' my.......Really?......C'mon.....Hamas had only 44% of the popular vote.......But we got 56% of the seats?.........How'd that happen?.....Huh?......But I thought that only happened in America......Huh?.......aaah......Diebold.........Wow! Ain't this Democracy shit great?......Say again, Farhat?.....What?.....Teach you what?......Diplomacy?.....Statesmanship?......Management?......Me?.....Why me?......Because I can read?......But that doesn't make me.....In the name of the prophet Muhammad (PBUH), Farhat, my degree is in Islamic Studies, with a minor in Personal Pyrotechnics....what could I possibly know about peaceful diplomacy?.....We never covered that in the Madrasa or in the camps, you know.....What?......Sure, I suppose I could read up on it, but.......the expert is who?......Dale Carnegie?.....Who's?......A Western Capitalist?........C'mon, Farhat, you know that goes against all of our.......Fight fire with fire?......But......Okay, okay.....I'll run in to Ramallah's main bookstore tomorrow and see if........What?.....Your cousin already checked?......Your stepbrother, too?....Whaddya mean, sold out?......Both copies?.....Well, I'll be a camel's uncle.....But in that case, where am I gonna......Wait a minute!! I know this Imam in Copenhagen.....Maybe he can.....Call you back tomorrow, in the name of the holy Prophet (PBUH)......."
"Hello? Oh.....hi, Farhat....How're the figs hangin'?....Huh?....We what?.....whaddya mean, we won?.....Stop pullin' my.......Really?......C'mon.....Hamas had only 44% of the popular vote.......But we got 56% of the seats?.........How'd that happen?.....Huh?......But I thought that only happened in America......Huh?.......aaah......Diebold.........Wow! Ain't this Democracy shit great?......Say again, Farhat?.....What?.....Teach you what?......Diplomacy?.....Statesmanship?......Management?......Me?.....Why me?......Because I can read?......But that doesn't make me.....In the name of the prophet Muhammad (PBUH), Farhat, my degree is in Islamic Studies, with a minor in Personal Pyrotechnics....what could I possibly know about peaceful diplomacy?.....We never covered that in the Madrasa or in the camps, you know.....What?......Sure, I suppose I could read up on it, but.......the expert is who?......Dale Carnegie?.....Who's?......A Western Capitalist?........C'mon, Farhat, you know that goes against all of our.......Fight fire with fire?......But......Okay, okay.....I'll run in to Ramallah's main bookstore tomorrow and see if........What?.....Your cousin already checked?......Your stepbrother, too?....Whaddya mean, sold out?......Both copies?.....Well, I'll be a camel's uncle.....But in that case, where am I gonna......Wait a minute!! I know this Imam in Copenhagen.....Maybe he can.....Call you back tomorrow, in the name of the holy Prophet (PBUH)......."
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:34 PM
1 comments
Thursday, February 09, 2006
A BLIGHT, A BLIGE, AND A BLINK.........
Now, this'll warm your cockles.......62-year-old Barry Manilow has landed atop the Billboard charts as No. 1 for the first time in 29 years...... Manilow's "The Greatest Songs of the Fifties" debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 chart, followed by Mary J. Blige's "The Breakthrough" and Andrea Bocelli's "Amore".......
Okay, let's see if we can follow this.......
Andrea Bocelli is some blind Italian opera guy......how many albums is that gonna sell....43?
Mary J. Blige has had no less than 21 albums released in the last couple years or so.....lessee...she's some kinda hip-hop-or-rap-or-whatever-they-call-it-now kinda gal, ain't she? Chronologically, her albums are as follows:
Real Love
What's the 411
What's the 411 (Remix)
My Life
I Can Love You
Share My World
The Tour (Live versions above the above 3-3 1/2 albums, I suppose)
Share My World (Japan Bonus Track)......WTF?
Mary
Mary(Import Bonus Tracks).....WTF?
Ballads
No More Drama
No More Drama (Japan Bonus Track)....WTF?
No More Drama (US Bonus Tracks).....WTF?
Family Affair (UK CD).....WTF?
Dance for Me (A Buncha Remixes)
Love @ First Sight
Love & Life (Love @ First Sight but not with radio intros, evidently....)
Love & Life (Bonus DVD)....WTF?
Love & Life (UK Bonus Tracks)...WTF?
The Breakthrough........Okay, now wait a minute........she's only breakin' through now?
What were the last 10 (or so) of 21 ? Breaking in?
Okay, let's be honest......
Mary can't be sellin' much, or she wouldn't be re-releasing the same old shit with bonus tracks or whatever over & over........
And like I said before.....how many albums is a blind Italian opera guy gonna sell, really?
So what does Barry's number 1 status really mean?
It means that:
a) the whopping 156,000 albums sold so far by Barry (btw, what'll that figure actually pan out to be when the retailers start returning the unsold "sold" copies to the distributor?) were probably bought by female senior citizens hoping to reclaim their youthful memories, or by female senior citizens in delusion about said memories, or by female senior citizens who wish they had such memories...... in any case were probably purchased over the phone, winsomely, in response to a late-night ad during re-runs of "Mayberry, RFD"......
b) M.J. Blige is really overhyped, overrated, oversaturated, and overexposed.....if you can't beat Barry Manilow, and are in a close race with some blind Italian opera guy for third place, you have a limited future......
c) if you're a blind Italian opera guy, and you're in the number 3 spot behind a has-been and a nearly has-been, or never-really-was-been, you're still a blind Italian opera guy......
Remember the old days, when the top spots were contested by the likes of Hendrix, Springsteen, Dylan, Joplin, Cream, The Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, The Stones, Sly, CCR, CSN&Y, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Bonnie Raitt, Frampton, ARS, the Allman Bros., Cat Stevens, Emerson Lake & Palmer, Supertramp, Bob Seeger, Al Stewart, Boz Scaggs, BB King, JJ Cale, Billy Joel, Lynard Skynard, Ronstadt, Yes, Rush, the Eagles, Heart, Kenny Loggins, Styx, ELO, Queen, Jethro Tull, Little Feat, Fleetwood Mac, Jefferson Starship, Steely Dan, The Who, Blondie, Led Zeppelin, The Cars, Van Morrison, Elton John, Bob Marley, Carly Simon, Paul Simon, ad infinitum.........??
Today we get a blight, a blige, and a blink.......
Okay, let's see if we can follow this.......
Andrea Bocelli is some blind Italian opera guy......how many albums is that gonna sell....43?
Mary J. Blige has had no less than 21 albums released in the last couple years or so.....lessee...she's some kinda hip-hop-or-rap-or-whatever-they-call-it-now kinda gal, ain't she? Chronologically, her albums are as follows:
Real Love
What's the 411
What's the 411 (Remix)
My Life
I Can Love You
Share My World
The Tour (Live versions above the above 3-3 1/2 albums, I suppose)
Share My World (Japan Bonus Track)......WTF?
Mary
Mary(Import Bonus Tracks).....WTF?
Ballads
No More Drama
No More Drama (Japan Bonus Track)....WTF?
No More Drama (US Bonus Tracks).....WTF?
Family Affair (UK CD).....WTF?
Dance for Me (A Buncha Remixes)
Love @ First Sight
Love & Life (Love @ First Sight but not with radio intros, evidently....)
Love & Life (Bonus DVD)....WTF?
Love & Life (UK Bonus Tracks)...WTF?
The Breakthrough........Okay, now wait a minute........she's only breakin' through now?
What were the last 10 (or so) of 21 ? Breaking in?
Okay, let's be honest......
Mary can't be sellin' much, or she wouldn't be re-releasing the same old shit with bonus tracks or whatever over & over........
And like I said before.....how many albums is a blind Italian opera guy gonna sell, really?
So what does Barry's number 1 status really mean?
It means that:
a) the whopping 156,000 albums sold so far by Barry (btw, what'll that figure actually pan out to be when the retailers start returning the unsold "sold" copies to the distributor?) were probably bought by female senior citizens hoping to reclaim their youthful memories, or by female senior citizens in delusion about said memories, or by female senior citizens who wish they had such memories...... in any case were probably purchased over the phone, winsomely, in response to a late-night ad during re-runs of "Mayberry, RFD"......
b) M.J. Blige is really overhyped, overrated, oversaturated, and overexposed.....if you can't beat Barry Manilow, and are in a close race with some blind Italian opera guy for third place, you have a limited future......
c) if you're a blind Italian opera guy, and you're in the number 3 spot behind a has-been and a nearly has-been, or never-really-was-been, you're still a blind Italian opera guy......
Remember the old days, when the top spots were contested by the likes of Hendrix, Springsteen, Dylan, Joplin, Cream, The Doobie Brothers, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, The Stones, Sly, CCR, CSN&Y, Aretha Franklin, James Brown, Bonnie Raitt, Frampton, ARS, the Allman Bros., Cat Stevens, Emerson Lake & Palmer, Supertramp, Bob Seeger, Al Stewart, Boz Scaggs, BB King, JJ Cale, Billy Joel, Lynard Skynard, Ronstadt, Yes, Rush, the Eagles, Heart, Kenny Loggins, Styx, ELO, Queen, Jethro Tull, Little Feat, Fleetwood Mac, Jefferson Starship, Steely Dan, The Who, Blondie, Led Zeppelin, The Cars, Van Morrison, Elton John, Bob Marley, Carly Simon, Paul Simon, ad infinitum.........??
Today we get a blight, a blige, and a blink.......
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 10:56 PM
3 comments
Links
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- THE DUMBEST GODDAMNED THING I EVER HEARD OF....
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