WHY DOES THIS WOMAN ALWAYS LOOK LIKE SHE JUST SWALLOWED SOMETHING REALLY NASTY ?

GOT A WET CRACK ?

LAUGH, OR YOU'LL CRY

A great example of absurdity, governmental idiocy, litigious surrealism, and the state of the society we live in.......

The following Op-Ed piece by Michael Crichton ("Jurassic Park", "State of Fear") appeared in the New York Times today....

"This Essay Breaks the Law"

FOR ROSE..........

DO YOU MIND? I'M HAVIN' A SHIT CONNIPTION!!!

Because of the blizzard, we lost power for about an hour between 4:00 & 5:00 AM yesterday....when the lights came back on, the missus immediately set several kettles of water a-boilin', in anticipation of the power goin' off again, and we wouldn't be able to nuke our instant coffee...ever the practical thinker...especially from an historical perspective....the power goes out around here more often than Dubya commits a faux pas.......

I, on the other hand, had a shit conniption....the cable was out and, along with it, of course, my avenue to the internet.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no news.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no email.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....two more hours before I hit the saddle....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....my second cup of coffee in hand, hadn't even worked up a shit yet, and nothing to do while I waited....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....paced.....looked out the window for awhile....made third cup of coffee.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, I can always shower early....what's that? running water? The missus had the same idea & beat me to it....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....can't start shovellin' yet, 'cause it's now comin' down faster than ever....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....

Well, somehow enough time passed, & I hit the road.....I returned home after umpteen near-fatal traffic encounters.....the lights still work....good sign....cable TV functioning again.....nuked some coffee....logged on.....nothing there!! ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....no news....no email.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, the snow stopped......14", all together.....shovelled.....nearly had a heart attack.....nuked some more coffee.....logged on again....still dead....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....well, at least it was time for Antiques Roadshow.....switched on the TV.....WTF?? Pledge week!!!!!! ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....washed a few loads of towels, got drunk, & finally hit the rack.....

Ah, Tuesday...woke up, nuked some coffee, logged on.....what? still nuthin'? ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.....second verse, same as the first....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....towels are all clean, shovellin's all done.....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....thank god the phone still works.....called Time Warner....recorded message...."We're havin' satellite-link problems, you fuckin' loser!! Get over it!!!!"....ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....another day on the road....another dozen or so near-fatal traffic encounters....this time, though, not due to traffic conditions.....frazzled......

Just got home.....nuked some cofee....threw away the mail without looking at it.....moment of truth.....do I dare? Shaking, I logged on....Eureka!! It's there! It's finally there!!

Kissed both screens, both mice, both keyboards.....I burst out crying..... I'm whole again!!! I have a window to the world!!! I'm alive!!!!!

Saw what I had missed.......

Jeezus......

OVER THE HILL.....AND COASTING....

Now that "The Aristocrats" is out on DVD, I picked up a copy.....the most hilarious, entertaining, spellbinding documentary to surface in years....or ever.......

Unless, of course, you're like my wife, who, totally aghast, shut it down in utter disgust after the first 8 or 9 minutes.....even before it got to the really funny parts......and was completely incredulous that I could be even remotely amused by such tasteless, crude vulgarity.....

Coexistence.....it means one thing in biological or political terms, but something entirely different in terms of cohabitation and/or religious ethos......

The latter are far more contentious, tenuous, and apt to widen the chasm with the passage of time.....

Coexistence and indifference become synonymous.......

That's why I have my own separate room in the basement, with my computer, of course, where I can laugh at whatever I find funny, whenever I want, without (mostly) any interference.....

The only problem, and the one I seem to keep forgetting, is there are times, like when you've just viewed one of the funniest things you've ever seen, and want to share it, is that you should ever expect, based upon historical context, that the person upstairs is the person with which you want to be sharing it.......

Oh, well....the indignant cold shoulder and the accompanying, enduring silence, after all these years, has become so predictably commonplace that I find it damned near comforting...

It's an uphill battle.....you strive for years to find common ground....many a pitched battle is fought.....but no winners emerge, each side still clinging to their intrinsic values and sensibilities....or lack thereof, from one viewpoint.....eventually, you reach a point where you find yourselves at the top of the hill with no reconciliation....

Today, however, I found myself over the hill....not only in terms of my age, which is considerable, but in my willingness to fight the unbeatable foe.....it's not that my my sensibilities, philosophies, or sense of humor have changed, but....

Well, fuck....let's face it.....

Once you're over the hill, you can coast the rest of the way....which is rapidly approaching.....and unabashedly guffaw over all of the gutter humor that you wish......

In spite of the indignant silence.......

SOME HAVEN'T EVOLVED NEARLY AS FAR AS OTHERS......

SCENES WE'D LIKE TO SEE.....

Oooooh, oooooh....DOMINO!!!!

My apologies to Van Morrison.......

So, here we are.......

Dubya goes over to India.....promises them that he'll give 'em anything they want in terms of nuclear capability.....peaceful use, only, of course.....all they have to do is agree that we can inspect their nuclear power plants......but we acknowledge that their military research can't be inspected.....

Dubya then goes to Pakistan.....tells them that their arch-rival, India, is gonna get all this aid & expertise but, because Musharraf ain't cuttin' the mustard, they're pretty much on their own.....

Iran, of course, has already stated their intentions, including blowin' Israel off the map......in spite of their being a signatory to the NNPT......

All of a sudden, Egypt, another signatory to the NNPT, and understandably, sez....."Wait a minute! The US is going to violate the NNPT by not only allowing but assisting India, a non-signatory, in furthering their nuclear capability? WTF????? Here we are, with no oil, struggling to find a way to provide our citizenry with electricity, steadfastly upholding & supporting non-proliferation, with no nuclear power capability whatsoever......where does that leave us? We've legally & morally kept all of our pledges.....the US has immorally & illegally undercut all of our good will, not to mention all of the NNPT convenants......"

"It's time to re-evaluate our stance on this issue.....we need nuclear capability".....

So, that dumbass Bush has not only alienated & embarrassed Pakistan, a supposed ally, but also has suddenly alienated a true ally, creating not one, but two vacuums.......both of which China will readily step into....

God, I can't imagine what has been going through that combined pea-brained intellect of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeldt, Rice, Rove, et al......

Years from now, when one Googles (if they're still around) the keywords "idiocy," "ineptitude," "immoral," "incoherent," "incompetent," "incomprehensible," "irresponsible," "irrational," "incoherent," "illogical," "irascible," "inane," "ill-begotten," "ill-contrived," "ill-conceived," or "inbred," (and those are just some of the "I's,") every search will come up: "Bush Administration 2001-2009."

Ooooooh, ooooooh, Domino!!

KASHMIR.....ARMAGEDDON??

During the Cold War, the US assisted India in building up their nuclear capabilities as a buffer in the region against the Communist yellow horde. China, therefore, did the same with Pakistan, to serve as a buffer against the curry culture.

Russia invaded Afghanistan, and the US swung its military aid to Pakistan, so that they would assist the US in assisting Osama bin Laden in assisting the Taliban against Russia. India, miffed, found China willing to help build their nuclear facilities and bought nuclear arms from them to counteract the nuclear buildup in Pakistan, which was being developed by A. Q. Khan, with CIA funding, technical expertise, and material assistance....Khan becomes a national hero in Pakistan.

Christ!! Why does the US blindly make the same mistake over & over? They beef up some country's military and then, without warning, rebuke them publicly, treating them like a red-headed stepchild, often beefing up that country's enemies at the same time, leaving them in a vacuum, creating a need to seek other allies.....

So what happened next? 9/11, of course.

Well, that dildo Bush immediately hauls off and names Iran as a terrorist state and one of the axis of evil.....Iran, already one of the afore-mentioned red-headed stepchidren, had been pissed off enough to go to Kahn, who'd sell his mother for the right price, not to mention everything the CIA gave him, to the highest bidder.....

Meantime, Tex goes into Afghanistan with six-shooters blazing, going after his one-time allies Osama & the Taliban....the US starts pouring more money into Pakistan.....Pakistan's enemy, India, miffed again, invites China to develop oilfields & pipelines in India.

Tex, still with a couple rounds in his six-shooter, decides that Iraq is the next target of his born-again, neo-con ideals.....Iran, of course, gets even more pissed.....now the US has another military foothold right on their border. So, they start pouring copious amounts of cash into Iraq, funding insurgencies and financing the buildup of Shiite militias.

Iran had been practicing the same tactic with Hamas.....Lo & behold!! All of a sudden, Hamas was legitimately elected to govern the Palestinians, even though 12 of the Hamas elected representatives are still sitting in Israeli jails.

The US threatens to withhold funds to Hamas.....Iran says "So what? we'll keep on funding them ourselves, that's all....and by the way, we intend to blow Israel off the map....." So, the US threatens to sanction Iran....Iran says "So what? we'll sell all our oil to China....after all, they own & run a great portion of the oil facilities here anyway.".....and they start building up their military forces along the Gulf of Oman, across from Djiboudi, where the US already has a military installation set up in the event that they might have to set up a blockade to keep Iran's oil from escaping.

Then, there's Russia.....whatever Iranian oil China isn't pumping, they probably are.....not to mention the huge construction contracts they have for building nuclear power plants.....well, things are getting a little outa control down there, they figure....way too much money tied up down there......So, they offer to enrich Iran's uranium for them. And, to further placate the Iranians, they decide to invite all of the newly-elected (and available) Hamas folks to an enclave in Russia, over the objections of the West.

So, pissed off at Russia, Tex decides he'd better get cozy with the enormous population of nearby India once again.....he goes over there and offers them pie in the sky, telling them that the US will help them expand their nuclear capability (peaceful purposes only, of course)....which they seem to have bought......an' then he goes to Pakistan & tells them that they haven't been pulling their weight, and they ain't gonna get so much as a lollipop.......

Musharraf, who likes running his country, and who has already extended his term as "president" by promising elections in 2008, sees the US-aided nuclear buildup in India and US presence in Afghanistan on another part of his border, starts nervously sweating and warily eyeing the only part of his border without US presence.....Iran....they, likewise, having existed in a pincers between US-occupied Iraq and Afghanistan and the other 'Stans, start eyeing the part of their border that could possibly afford them some future protection......Pakistan......whose national hero Khan, with the consent of Musharraf, was insrumental in affording Iran the opportunity to rapidly accelerate their nuclear ambitions.

But where's China in all this? They're patient.....content to watch it all unfold, with a headlong military buildup in the meantime.....and whenever the US inevitably screws up and creates another vacuum, they step into the void with money and technology and are rewarded with oil contracts.

Dubya is now creating another vacuum in Pakistan by making them another stepchild and beefing up the nuclear capabilities of their enemy, India (peaceful purposes only, remember.....would ol' George lie to you?).....if Musharraf feels uneasy enough about his future, which he probably does, he's apt to strengthen his ties to Iran.

So, consider : The US has already told China that they will aid Taiwan militarily should China attempt to take Taiwan back into the fold by force, which they have stated that they will do, if necessary. China is chewing on the promise of the US to strengthen the nuclear capabilities of India, on their southern border....and they're damned well aware that such generosity toward a nation that never ratified the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty unquestionably carries with it some conditions......historically, and predictably, that would suggest some form of military presence by the US or approval to use India's military facilities and airfields as a staging area should the need arise in a future conflict.

That's gotta make China feel doubly uneasy.......the squeeze......

So here's the scenario:

A Pak-Iranian alliance would be to China's obvious benefit, one that they would undoubtedly nurture.......A Cino-Pak-Iranian alliance would mean that India would be totally isolated, strategically, with the exception of.......

Kashmir.

PROFOUND THINKING (REDOUX)

Surprisingly, I heard today from Steve Grausam, the Liquor Director for the City of Edina, apologizing for the placement of the ad, along with his assurance that it will never happen again, emphasizing that they try very hard to portray a positive image when it comes to the sale of alcohol in Edina, and that the ad was taken off as soon as he spoke to an account representative on Wednesday morning....

Kudos, Steve.......

He also passed along an email letter that was sent to him by City Pages on Thursday......

First, I'd like to give you the email verbatim....with my emphasis in italics....and grammatical corrections .....

Secondly, my interpretation.......

VERBATIM:

Dear Steve,
I am writing this email to apologize for Edina Liquor's embedded advertisement that appeared (rotated) next to( a) controversial editorial on City Pages' web site, citypages.com.

City Pages scheduled the embedded advertisement to further increase awareness and redemption of the coupon placed in the 2/22/06 print version of the publication.

This was at no additional cost to Edina Liquor, and the ad did prove successful in views. I apologize for the fact that the online advertisement appeared next to a headline that may appear ( to be) controversial on the website. The ad was not to appear online effective 2/28/06, as the new issue appeared online. The placement of the online embedded advertisement next to the edit was 100% at ( the) fault of City Pages, and not any (of the) staff at Edina Liquor. The print version was placed within the "Dish" restaurant section, where weekly listings appear.

In the future, we will keep in consideration the placement of Edina Liquor's advertising, and not place the ad near controvesial editorial content.


Again, I apologize for this occurrence.
Feel free to contact me further to discuss this matter.


Sincerely,

Kevin Lenhart

Senior Account Executive
City Pages, LLC

TRANSLATION:

So, big deal.....we snuck it in there along with a bunch of other crap, rotating it every so often...

We had your best interests at heart, can't you see that? We were just trying to get people to respond to your coupon offer....never mind that the fact that we placed the ad after the third paragraph of an article admonishing, and critical of, alcohol abuse.....

Chrissakes, it's not like that it cost you anything, you ingrate!! It got a lot of hits, to boot! You oughta be thanking me! Sorry if it appeared in an article that wasn't in keeping with your request that it should be appearing in some damned restaurant section......

Jesus!!! This was just the online version, not the print version.....nobody reads that online crap anyway!!

Okay, we'll try our best to place you in better light in the future (yeah, right)......an' what in the hell are ya poundin' on me for? I'm just a semi-literate ad salesman that management forced to respond to some boo-hoo online reader, even though I was stupid enough to not grasp, in the first place, the obvious stupidity of placing an ad in a context where it doesn't belong.....

Man, I was just tryin' to pad my commission......