FLUSH ME !!!!
I was just reading that Costco has started to sell caskets at discount prices........
This, of course, has caused apoplexy among the members of the Funeral Directors' Associations
'cause all of a sudden their cash cow is in jeopardy......seems that they'll give you all of the free flowers you want, in order to preserve the (up to) 600% markup on the price of the casket........
Well, nobody's gonna get a dime of my money for a casket.....or a $1Million mausoleum.....or a headstone.....or even so much as an urn......
Burn me!! Reduce me to ashes!! Chrissakes, it ain't like I'm gonna be aware of anything!! I won't have even a vague idea of how many people attend my funeral (which is probably fortunate) or how many shed a tear (even more fortunate).....and fuck those romantic notions about spreading my ashes hither & yon......
Just FLUSH ME!!!!!
Unless, of course, you're afraid that the bulk may create a stoppage.....in that case, stuff me into a fuckin' baggie & integrate me with the weekly collection at the curb......(if that practice isn't allowable under local restrictions, just don't fuckin' tell 'em, you nitwit....they'll probaby think that you just emptied your vacuum cleaner bag).......
Okay, let's assume....just for a moment, mind you......that you're one of those that believes that your body lives on, and is attached to your soul, so you want to be buried......especially next to the loved ones that expired before you.....and in anticipation of being joined by those who follow you.......
Are you fuckin' nuts?? You're just gonna be compost....eaten by worms & bugs, transformed by bacteria, your lifestuff chemically altered to the equivalent of offal.........yeah, shit....and it ain't gonna be an immediate or overnight process....you're gonna be sufferin' for a long time.....bein' eaten away, corroded away, for one helluva a long time, only to become fertilizer for the oak tree that somehow, accidently, germinated near your grave.....
If you're still hangin' on to a belief that you're gonna pass to the afterlife as even a remote resemblance to your worldly self, or to be reunited with with loved ones and acquaintances in their former guises....physically or spiritually......
Get a life!!!! Or afterlife!!!!!
You've been had!!!!
So incinerate me.....it's quick, easy, cheap, done in a flash, no interminable suffering.....and, with the cost savings, give your descendants something that really matters.....a couple nights out, maybe some movie rentals, a new dishwasher, a down payment on a used car, a couple cases of beer, a couple ounces of ganja........
Now, that's what really matters......
Memories? Fuck 'em.....they only exist while you're alive.....so enjoy 'em while you can....they can't be taken with you......
Can't be passed on, either......yours are not theirs.....
So burn me........as cheaply as you can......and spend or pocket the difference.......
Just don't do it prematurely.........
This, of course, has caused apoplexy among the members of the Funeral Directors' Associations
'cause all of a sudden their cash cow is in jeopardy......seems that they'll give you all of the free flowers you want, in order to preserve the (up to) 600% markup on the price of the casket........
Well, nobody's gonna get a dime of my money for a casket.....or a $1Million mausoleum.....or a headstone.....or even so much as an urn......
Burn me!! Reduce me to ashes!! Chrissakes, it ain't like I'm gonna be aware of anything!! I won't have even a vague idea of how many people attend my funeral (which is probably fortunate) or how many shed a tear (even more fortunate).....and fuck those romantic notions about spreading my ashes hither & yon......
Just FLUSH ME!!!!!
Unless, of course, you're afraid that the bulk may create a stoppage.....in that case, stuff me into a fuckin' baggie & integrate me with the weekly collection at the curb......(if that practice isn't allowable under local restrictions, just don't fuckin' tell 'em, you nitwit....they'll probaby think that you just emptied your vacuum cleaner bag).......
Okay, let's assume....just for a moment, mind you......that you're one of those that believes that your body lives on, and is attached to your soul, so you want to be buried......especially next to the loved ones that expired before you.....and in anticipation of being joined by those who follow you.......
Are you fuckin' nuts?? You're just gonna be compost....eaten by worms & bugs, transformed by bacteria, your lifestuff chemically altered to the equivalent of offal.........yeah, shit....and it ain't gonna be an immediate or overnight process....you're gonna be sufferin' for a long time.....bein' eaten away, corroded away, for one helluva a long time, only to become fertilizer for the oak tree that somehow, accidently, germinated near your grave.....
If you're still hangin' on to a belief that you're gonna pass to the afterlife as even a remote resemblance to your worldly self, or to be reunited with with loved ones and acquaintances in their former guises....physically or spiritually......
Get a life!!!! Or afterlife!!!!!
You've been had!!!!
So incinerate me.....it's quick, easy, cheap, done in a flash, no interminable suffering.....and, with the cost savings, give your descendants something that really matters.....a couple nights out, maybe some movie rentals, a new dishwasher, a down payment on a used car, a couple cases of beer, a couple ounces of ganja........
Now, that's what really matters......
Memories? Fuck 'em.....they only exist while you're alive.....so enjoy 'em while you can....they can't be taken with you......
Can't be passed on, either......yours are not theirs.....
So burn me........as cheaply as you can......and spend or pocket the difference.......
Just don't do it prematurely.........
posted by Sir Lacksalot at 9:09 PM
4 Comments:
Yeah, you woudn't wanna take a chance on clogging the toilet. I think the curbside pickup idea is best.
cremation is NOT cheap either. there is a transportation charge, a this and that charge, an actual cremation charge, a charge for the funeral director on top of that. it's absurd!
(i too wish to be cremated BUT i want my ashes tossed over tony and phil esposito's ice hockey camp if still in existance)
Well, here's your chance, Rose.....
Upper Deck, the trading card folks, have a contest goin' on.....one of the prizes is attendin Phil Esposito's Fantasy Hockey Camp (value $3000).....all you need to do is:
1) Send a 3X5 card with your name & address, along with a SASE
2) Win the eighth-place prize, and
3) Die before you're scheduled to attend.......
Piece o' cake........
thanks dear sir!
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